Jenny Perez, 36, mother of four children, says, “I have never taken any writing classes but I love to write and saw this Write Your Life Contest as an opportunity to share my experiences with the universe and see what it reflects back to me.” She submitted the following when we asked writers in March to submit their writing to be featured on www.BiscayneWriters.com. We liked it because every writer should complete a character sketch of him or herself before moving on to the next stage of creating drama.

Pocahontas is what people have been calling me lately because of my olive skin and long dark hair. Subconsciously I think it is more because of our similar personalities. We are free-spirited, highly spiritual, love adventure and nature, and make peace between indigenous and western cultures. I like the name, it suits me just fine.

Over the years I have also imagined myself to be part princess, gypsy, shaman, and mystical being. A true Pisces girl, romantic and dreamy. At times my character feels like an old wise soul that understands truth more than most but that can also get lost and confused in a web of repetitive thought patterns.

Ever since I was a little girl my mother frequently reminded me that I lived in my own little world, but it was real to me. I always had this feeling inside of me called HOPE. I love Disney and all things magical, whimsical, fanciful, beautiful and surreal. I was a real princess in a past life, believing that my prince charming would come for me one day, give me the motivation to continue to move forward into the future with optimism even through difficult times. My faith in Jesus (thanks to my Catholic upbringing, I am not religious) gave me peace of mind. I knew that Jesus loved me and would take care of me and still does. The universe will provide.

Where is my prince charming?

I am 36 years old and I have never fallen in love or manifested a compatible enough partner that I could commit to (I think). For a time I believed I could commit to loving and caring for someone but not always wanting to be with them. I imagine I could if I really respect someone, enjoy their presence and deeply care about them. Sharing everything together and knowing there is always somebody there for you is comforting. I need to practice my creative visualization skills. First I need to decide what I really want. It seems to be evolving all the time. I feel there is an ideal partner for me. We compliment each other, grow together, and radiate pure unconditional love.

Am I too idealistic?

Is the idea of an ideal partner contradicting to pure unconditional love? Do I sabotage my dreams by contradicting, compromising, second guessing, and settling. I know everything happens for a reason and is perfect in it’s process.

We make the best possible decisions in the moment, according to the level of our awareness at the time.

My parents and grandparents left Cuba in the early sixties. I am sure they were also full of this HOPE that I inherited. This was also the time of the Peter Pan flights which I associate with my Wendy complex. I seem to attract all kinds of lost boys that don’t want to grow up, and fall into innocent love with younger men. My parents happen to have honeymooned at Disney (this explains a lot). My mother informed me that my father was high on marijuana when I was conceived close to the real Cinderella’s castle (this also explains a lot) in Germany where my father was stationed in the army.

Like Wendy I am a nurturing mother figure.

Ever since I was a little girl I could not wait to be a mother so that I could be a better mother to my children than my mother was to me. I wanted to know and feel what unconditional love was. My mother was much too cold, distant, and judgmental. She attends mass every Sunday, did not have sex before marriage, was faithful to my father, never had an abortion, never used birth control or considered divorcing my father, and thinks this is what makes her a good Christian. I don’t know if she understood Jesus’s real teachings about not judging, forgiving and unconditional love. I know she did her best with her level of awareness but if she had suffered these conditions as a child, why would she choose to repeat them?

I began motherhood at 16.

I was going to be more affectionate, patient, understanding, tolerant, accepting, non-judgmental, forgiving, unconditionally loving and better at communicating. My daughter is now 19 years old. She is a beautiful, healthy person and credits me for making her the person she is, as do her cousins, for teaching them about love. I was the one grown-up that spent the most time with them. I took them to the beach, the park, had sleepovers. My priority was that they were happy and had fun. I don’t discipline my children much. I let them do what they want as long as they are safe and don’t hurt others. While other adults in the family questioned if I was OK with taking care of them all by myself, I always answered yes, they don’t bother me. While other adults had short tempers and showed aggression, I felt sorry and sad that they did not remember what it was like to be a child.

My mother says that as far as she can remember, at least from the age of three, I showed a dislike for authority. This is true to this day. I never could understand why someone – just because they were older than you – deserved respect if they did not act respectful. I never liked being told what to do. I always thought I could make my own decisions. I have always been very independent, the oldest of four girls.

I have always been a single mother, of four now. While it was a priority for me to start my own family and have children, it was not a priority to get married. I guess because my parents fought a lot. I thought marriage was not necessarily an ideal situation. Now I realize children do wish to see their parents together. Most families do start with this intention. I have no regrets. My children had happier childhoods with a single parent than I had with both. Each of my children is a blessing and brought special gifts to the world. My two older sons were a gift to my father. They were like sons to him after having had only four daughters. My youngest son is a special blessing. His father is a “balsero” (a cuban rafter) and his mother is still in Cuba. We were given permission to visit Cuba for the first time so that my son could meet his grandmother. My real intentions were to go to look for my grandfather (my father’s father). I found his family but my grandfather had died 20 years ago. I was able to bring back pictures of my grandfather and show them to my father.

I told him about his father and how he had always tried to find him but could not. My father said it was the greatest gift of his life. He had not seen his father, not even a picture of him since he left Cuba when he was 10 years old. Seven months later my father died in a motorcycle accident, a week after my sister’s wedding. He was only 52 years old. His father had died a week before his daughter’s wedding.

I know my father was proud of me, that I was so independent. I come from a line of strong women, widows and single mothers. I felt I had to go back to my motherland before Cuba, Spain. I did a pilgrimage across Spain, El camino de Santiago de Compostela. The purpose they say is to find one’s meaning in life. I found part of mine was to slow down, take time to smell the flowers, enjoy the moment, simplify life, spend more time in nature and with family and to make this a permanent lifestyle.

Spain is where I believe I was a gypsy in a past life.

I love to roam and wander. During the Inquisition, I was considered a witch for sure.

In other incarnations I was a shaman, a healer. Which brings me to this moment, a massage therapist, energy worker, light being. I got into massage therapy because Jesus is the best role model and he healed through touch and had said that we would be able to do what he did and more. Also because of the lack of affection I received from my mother, I knew that touch was very important to health of spirit, mind, and body. I wanted to help people feel better naturally. At first I had considered psychology but then realized that touch is much more important and beneficial. It has been a very rewarding career. But after 13 years of working for resort spas, I am burned out, tired, exhausted and bored. I spent time helping to heal people, now to make the healing permanent we need to change our lifestyles and heal the planet.

I quit my job, sold my condo, gave all of my things away, and drove my Toyota Prius across the country to California to have it shipped to Hawaii. I was moving to an intentional community, away from the mainland, to a state fighting for independence from illegal colonization. To a state where they respect the land and the spirit that animates all. I was going to learn about sustainable living, living off the grid, solar power, collecting rainwater, compost toilets, and organic gardening. It all sounded wonderfully ideal. Except my preteen sons were not happy. It was a culture shock. The bugs, no t.v., video games, fast food. Since their happiness is my priority a few weeks later we moved back. I was not ready to give up though. I thought maybe because there were no children in the community for them to play with they were bored. So we moved to a community in Costa Rica that had children. They still were not happy. After a few weeks we moved back. I tried not to judge living in mainstream Miami, to accept, surrender, and even appreciate it.

Maybe the solution for me is not to move away from the city to the country. But to be the change I want to see. To help here where it is needed the most. Recently I have taken a permaculture design course at the first earthship being built in Florida. Some of my friends have been asking me if I could help them with urban permaculture design for their homes. I am also interested in learning more about natural building and participating in the transition movement. Helping to plant the seeds and influence and inspire a new collective consciousness, a new paradigm of peace on earth.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and tired of wandering and being so independent with so much responsibility. I just want to settle down and be a housewife and mother. I want to be taken care of by a spiritually and environmentally conscious man. He has to cook too, I don’t know how to cook. (LOL, I’m not asking too much). But I love to clean (like Cinderella).. I considered home schooling my children. Now I think I would like it if they were able to go to Montessori or Waldorf schools.

Oh universe show me a clear path, without confusion. Maybe the confusion is in thinking I need to be anywhere else than where I am. Native Americans believe when you find a feather on your path that it is a sign from spirit that you are on the right path. I am still finding feathers.

As I found this website I was interrupted by my youngest son. He wanted to go to the store. As we walked into the store I was faced with a man whose shirt read “Impossible is Nothing.”